The Pacifier (2005)
by Jack Moore
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For veteran watchers of bad movies, The Pacifier will be a familiar experience. Like Hulk Hogan in Mr. Nanny and Arnold Schwarzenegger in Junior, The Pacifier puts muscle-man Vin Diesel in a terribly ironic, one-joke situation where the gravel-voiced, very manly actor is forced to do very un-manly things. Diesel plays nails-tough Navy Seal Shane Wolf whose latest mission is to essentially baby-sit five suburban kids. The plot contains a reason why Shane must protect them, but it doesn't really matter—the one goal of The Pacifier is to get Vin Diesel in as many anti-Vin Disel situations as possible. Diesel rides a pink bike with training wheels. Diesel sings a little boy to sleep with "The Panda Dance." Diesel drives a mini-van with a "World's Greatest Mom" bumper sticker. Diesel changes a diaper, directs "The Sound of Music," and sells Girl Scout cookies. Vin Diesel picks a bad movie project and is humiliated in its failure.